This is Northern Nigeria

This is Northern Nigeria; where:

Everybody be hypocrite
Everybody dey double speak
This is Northern Nigeria.
This Bazawara she must marry and remarry but not my son Auzubillah

This is Northern Nigeria
Where a thief is a saint don yana taimakawa jama ‘ansa
This is Northern Nigeria
Where a king is an idiot for standing up for his women and defending their humanity.

This is Northern Nigeria
Where a man is a useless politician if he doesn’t pray in public.
He must impress us with his religion before we vote for him to steal.
This is Northern Nigeria where my sister is dying of hunger and I am rocking Yves saint Laurent because I am the blessed one.

This is Northern Nigeria
Who da hell do you think you are? Asking Baba Buhari questions he should answer why?

This is Northern Nigeria
I don’t care about the killing and the rustling in Zamfara because Baba Buhari is my President;
This is Northern Nigeria.
I will steal from the IDPs and sell it at Monday Market while you trend a sexy hashtag#
This is Northern Nigeria
My mama lives in a mud house but I’m flying private now.

This is Northern Nigeria
That girl selling goro is corrupting our women but she still smiling to the bank u know.

This is Northern Nigeria
Where we marry as many as four because God will provide for us Ameen
This is Northern Nigeria
I will have as many babies as I want without regard for their welfare because Allah that created them will not starve them
Bakin da ya tsaga na.

This is Northern Nigeria
My kids are in London and Paris to study engineering Na
Your kids should stay in Kano and learn mechanic na
This is Northern Nigeria
Politicians will fight in public and dine in private but we gonna burn and kill each other for their approval na.

This is Northern Nigeria
We get high off codeine and tramadol cos easier than saying the things we are facing na. Politicians buy it for us and our pimps ensure we always off the ground.

I am worried about free mixing of the sexes but I will masturbate later;
This is Northern Nigeria.
I know my religion but she will never leave this house for an education ma;
This is Northern Nigeria.
Hold who accountable? The leaders that God chose to govern us even though we rigged the election ma
This is Northern Nigeria
Yeah I treat my wives like trash because that’s what they are. Did you say my daughter ma? I will massacre the fly that looks her up and down ma;
This is Northern Nigeria.
Me ya hada ki da arna wai? These chongai people are less than us na!

They should shut it because that’s what a minority deserves na;
This is Northern Nigeria.
Yes I am a devout man na; but wallahi I like it when the little boy strokes my thighs na;
This is Northern Nigeria
I will spend all I have to throw my daughter a lavish wedding so I can brag about it later na;
After I finish gulping my Kayan mata to commandeer her father na;
This is Northern Nigeria.

You all will be silent na. Don’t be stupid all is fine and well in our beautiful Arewa;
Mu rufa asiri na;
This is Northern Nigeria

cc: Fatima Zahra Umar