Yes, we are a problem-ridden society; our problems albeit challenges are just too many to count. I have reached a place in my life where I have come to understand that the problems faced in the society, are the accumulation of those faced by those in it. We all face problems and challenges, and when we allow such them to continue to grow unabated, they accumulate into a circle of unbreakable chaos around us and gradually spill over all around us.
The rising tide of sex aphrodisiac in our societies is alarming. Granted, without demand there will not be supply, so of course, there is a booming market for it and it keeps lots of people in business. Besides, sex sells, and sex aphrodisiacs have always been sold since time immemorial (remember the story of Cleopatra’s secret); but I would like to implore everyone to calm down and let’s take a look at this issue critically.
Sex is the most important thing after life and good health (even though we have been lied to as kids, and we are still lying to ours up till now). Not even money or fame is half as important. But sex is also natural, and seamless and perfect just the way it is. All it requires is that love, that feeling, that chemistry to function. At least, as a woman, I do know that women’s sexual urge is mostly dependant on her mental and psychological balance. In other words, all women need to function sexually is that TLC and a mind devoid of worries. And I believe to a large extent the men too.
Cleary, the rising tide of ‘kayan mata or maganin mata’ and ‘kayan maza or maganin maza’ is as a result of a deficiency or an ill-health and some biological/psychological imbalance.
This imbalance is created by many factors, part of which includes:
The demands and challenges of everyday life
The demands and challenges of coping with a growing family
The demands and challenges of a dying relationship
The struggle to maintain and keep the relationship alive, especially if the effort is one-sided; etc.
All these factors and many more contribute in ridding the mind of any thoughts of sex, especially the woman’s mind. And because African men are not wired to play their part in keeping the love alive, it often turns out to be a futile effort on the parts of the womenfolk. And so as their sexual urges decline and gradually diminish due to so much pressure, frustration and or repression, the men just wilfully go on a jolly fucking ride. Because man is allegedly said to be polygamous in nature (forgetting that the term man is used to refer to both sexes), the menfolk simply change their sexual partners by marrying other women or just dating them; leaving the woman in limbo.
And of course, the man gets his libido back. The thought of a new conquest and bedmate always gives a new lease of life to the libido Thus, leaving the women with the ‘kayan mata’ alternative.
Over the years that the kayan mata market has been steadily rising, Doctors have always warned against the use of some of them. Most are unhygienic and made with questionable ingredients. Worse is, there are those that are purportedly for insertion into the vaginal canal; which are ranked to be amongst the most dangerous of the lot. The over use of kayan mata can meddle with hormonal balance and can at times lead to pelvic cancer.
In all these, the woman is often left on her own to devices ways and means to ensure she gets laid, while the man just opts for plan B. Low libido and sexual urge is a psychological problem that mostly affects women because their sexuality is more mentally inclined than that of the men. For example, most women cannot lay with men they have no feelings or attraction for, but all a man needs to do that is an erection.
A downward spiral in the sexual urge is the result of a physical strain on the body or mental strain to the brain. All that is required to redress it is for both parties to openly discuss it, reignite the love flames (lack of which is one of the contributing factors), change environment for a while if need be, court each other, pamper each other, seduce each other and get the endorphins going up once more. There is no way the fires will not rise up burning like it used to, or even better.
Men, you have to do better. Stop pushing women to subject themselves to unhealthy practices just to please you, while you look the other way simply because you could. When treated right, taken care of, pampered and shown love and care, a woman’s juices flows naturally especially for men they love. You should know that it is only when women are genuinely happy that you can also be happy.
Women; we should do better. We should stop subjecting ourselves to unhealthy practices to please men who do not want to be pleased by us. It is about time we understand that marriage and sex is a dual responsibility, we cannot hold them all by ourselves. We should understand and appreciate the fact that once a man is done with us, he is done and no amount or type of kayan mata will bring him back.
We should stop treating cancer with panadol; that is exactly what we keep doing. Kayan mata is just a temporary solution to a long time problem and that is why we keep going back to it; hooked like a drug. If you must use them, let him provide the money for it since it does not come free.
Sex is a beautiful and natural thing; no one needs a drug for it. If you do, you have a problem and an aphrodisiac may certainly not be the remedy.
A decline in sexual drive simply means there is a problem that women in collaboration with their spouses need to sit down and solve, not them alone. If he is willing to fix it, good and fine. If he is not, it simply means he is not interested in fixing the relationship.
When that happens, save yourself a whole bunch of agony by doing the needful. Do what is best for you, not for him, not for your children, not for your parents, not for the society. And if push comes to shove, don’t be afraid to walk. Regardless of whatever you do, he will marry another, he will bed another, he will love another; receive sense.
May we never walk alone.
Hawwah A Gambo
Journalist/Social Enterprenuer
